Happiness
by Roxie Archer
Summary: Despite his continuing sins, Fai yearns for happiness and despite his better judgement, he reaches for Kurogane to take him away. Set in Outo somewhere between ch.40 and 41 of the manga. KuroxFai spoilers past Outo


Disclaimer: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle is the intellectual property of CLAMP.

Author's Note: I wrote this for an Outo contest on DA a while back. I'm supposed to be working on my own things right now, so I haven't written anything fanfic wise for a while (except a two page lapse that I'll post later for another fandom). So of course, that means I haven't really done anything. I suck.

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_~ Happiness ~_

He dreamed of Fai again and so, he was glad that he hadn't been sleeping with Kurogane; that, in this world at least, he could have his nightmares in peace. Too many nights, circumstances had found him lying with the man, the one who knew too much; even when he said nothing. Anything was too much; a glimpse into his soul was too much. If he was afraid to see it himself, it was far too much.

Four worlds they had been to; three times Fai had shared close quarters, if not a _bed_, with the other man. His sleep, true sleep, had come in stolen hours added together throughout the day. At night, he merely rested and hopefully (he could never be completely sure) convinced Kurogane otherwise. It wouldn't do to have cried out his sins in his sleep, not to someone he planned on sinning against in the future.

He couldn't say it'd been all bad, though. After Kurogane fell asleep, Fai would often amuse himself in discreetly watching the man sleep. He had learned that watching him outright could wake the ninja; a touch, no matter how faint, could wake him. Kurogane was ever vigilant. In a few more world's time, he might like to sleep with him again to see if becoming acclimated to his presence had made him let his guard down a little. He didn't know if he wanted that to be the case or not.

But those were thoughts for a future time. Fai tried to live in the present, not only because the others tended to worry (or in Kurogane's case, watch him closer) when he wasn't, but also because Fai had discovered a tiny glimmer of light in the present and he liked to pretend that if he clung to it, if he paid it very close attention, it might show him some small happiness and selfishly, Fai wished for happiness.

He found himself staring down at the rag in his hand, lifted from the countertop he had just finished wiping down, with an empty smile.

The sound of a door opening and closing drew Fai's attention and he turned, setting the rag down in the sink. Taking a deep breath, Fai turned back to greet Kurogane, who was always up second only to himself, with the widest, brightest smile he could fabricate.

"Good morning, Big Doggie!" he greeted, happily.

Kurogane frowned, his narrowed crimson eyes narrowing further as he glared at him half-heartedly. "Do you have to greet me in the morning with that crap?"

Fai's grin brightened as he moved to place the other's breakfast on the counter between them. "Doesn't Kuro-woof want to wish me a good morning?"

"No I don't!" Kurogane shouted, slamming his fist down on the countertop next to his plate as he took his seat.

Fai sniffled dramatically, giving the warrior his best pout. "And after I worked so hard to make a special breakfast for Big Doggie with all of his hard work in mind."

"No one asked you to." Kurogane replied under his breath, stabbing the sausage on his plate with his fork and bringing it to his mouth.

Fai couldn't stop the smile from returning as he watched the other shove the portion of meat in its entirety into his mouth and chew, eyes fixed firmly to the side.

Bending over the counter, Fai propped his chin in his palms and gave the smile to Kurogane who steadfastly pretended to ignore it as he ate.

"Are you taking Syaoran out to train again today?" he asked conversationally. He was pretty sure the answer was yes, but he felt like talking to Kurogane just then.

"It's an everyday thing." Kurogane answered flatly.

"Oh?" Fai pretended to ignore the tone. "That's too bad…"

Kurogane lifted his gaze just enough to glare at the blonde with a look that he hoped conveyed his disapproval of laziness. Of course, he would have been a fool to think that any kind of admonishment would faze the oblivious wizard.

"I feel sorry for Syaoran-kun." Fai went on. "He works _so hard_ for Sakura-chan. I'll bet he's the _perfect_ student; always eager to please his teacher, always diligent and obedient. I'm sure he never complains; even when he comes back too exhausted to even eat his dinner before he passes out…"

Fai paused poignantly and Kurogane heaved a sigh, laying his fork down beside his plate and met Fai's gaze with a look that made Fai straighten, if only to put that small amount of extra space between them.

"That's the way you work when you really care about someone."

That had not gone the way Fai had wanted at all. Leave it to Kurogane. Luckily, they were interrupted by the sound of footsteps descending the stairs as Syaoran joined them for breakfast, thereby saving Fai from having to come up with a response to that.

"Good morning, Syaoran-kun!" Fai greeted, busying himself getting a plate of food for the teen.

Syaoran smiled his way a bit tiredly and returned the greeting. "Good morning Fai-san, Kurogane-san." he added, taking a seat next to the latter.

Fai hadn't exactly been joking when he'd told Kurogane that Syaoran was pushing himself too hard. He was starting to look like a zombie, despite his incredible talent at hiding it. A flash of last night's dream caught Fai and he quickly added extra sausages to the plate in his hands before sitting it down in front of Syaoran. He couldn't fault Syaoran for working so hard but at least he could make sure he was well-fed.

"Thank you."

Fai smiled in return as Syaoran picked up his fork and then paused, turning to find Kurogane staring at him.

Kurogane reached out, taking the boy's chin between thumb and forefinger, tilting his head a little this way and that.

Syaoran watched him with wide, curious eyes but said nothing, waiting and when Kurogane seemed satisfied, he released his hold with an exaggerated frown, looking away from him, pretending to look at something across the room.

"Take the day off, kid." he grumbled, as much to Syaoran's surprise as Fai's. "You're no good to anyone if you're too exhausted to fight."

A private grin pulled at Fai's lips as Syaoran tried to protest, shot down immediately by a pointed look from his mentor.

"It's because I really wanted to get out today." Fai offered, jumping in and letting his smile brighten as he caught Syaoran's attention. "There were some shops that I wanted to look at that are only open when our café is open but someone would need to stay here to help Sakura-chan and Mokona run the café while I'm gone. And Big Doggie, being the great gentleman that he is, offered to go out with me in case my leg starts to hurt again so he can carry me home."

"Don't tell him lies!" Kurogane yelled but he was ignored.

Syaoran had two great faults, Fai knew: he blamed himself for too much and he worried too much and it was Fai's personal opinion that he ought to be the one monopolizing any self-loathing going around their small group. Besides, it was adorable to see Syaoran worried over nothing.

"Are you feeling alright, Fai-san?" Syaoran asked, concerned. "I could get up earlier to help set up in the mornings before I train with Kurogane-san if that would help."

Fai waved the concern away with a smile. "It doesn't hurt much now and Sakura-chan is a big help. But if you could help me out today, I would really appreciate it."

Syaoran nodded. "Of course."

Fai loved predicable people.

"Well now that that's settled," Fai said, clapping his hands together "Big Kitty and Big Doggie should get going."

"I told you to stop calling me a dog!" Kurogane roared. "And I never agreed to go anywhere with you!"

Fai happily ignored him as he addressed Syaoran. "Sakura-chan and Mokona should be up soon and Mokona will be out to help you even if Sakura-chan sleeps in."

Fai took the cane he'd left leaning against the counter and started for the door. "Here boy!" Fai called, waving his arm above his head at Kurogane.

"I _**told**_ you…!" Kurogane started, standing, but he made no move to chase Fai and Fai's grin grew tenfold in response.

"It's come with me or serve pretty slices of cake to our customers while I'm gone." Fai warned.

Fai nodded to himself as Kurogane stomped across the floor, swearing under his breath at every step. "If you have too much trouble, send Mokona out to find us." Fai called back, opening the door.

"We'll be ok." Syaoran assured as they left the café.

-oOo-

The trip downtown to look at shops had been entirely spur of the moment but it was nice to get out. Fai tried to enjoy the scenery around them; the people busying themselves in their shops, getting ready for opening hour and early bakeries opening their doors to let out the smells of baking bread but it was hard to ignore Kurogane staring at him, watching him walk as he tried to judge exactly how much pain he was actually in.

"I'm not carrying you back there." Kurogane said at length, reminding Fai that there were some things he couldn't hide.

Fai smiled witheringly. "No offence, but it wasn't the best experience last time."

To his credit, Kurogane blushed, showing at least a little shame for having dumped him at the sight of someone he thought he knew and pointedly looked away.

"That aside," Fai said, eager to find a happier topic, "let's go in there." He pointed toward a small clothing shop across the street.

"The clothes we have are fine." Kurogane complained.

"Money is one thing we can't take with us, Kuro-pii." Fai chided. "So we might as well spend it on things like clothes that we can use in other worlds."

"I thought you were spending all our money on that café." Kurogane returned.

"I'm sure we can afford a little shopping." Fai replied, waving Kurogane away as he started toward the shop.

Kurogane followed behind with a sigh.

-oo-

The shop turned out to be a specialty place where the seamstress, a bubbly girl only a little older than Sakura, took all of Fai's measurements and babbled on with him while Kurogane sat by and watched. Fai had asked for a simple, black long coat that she assured would look amazing on him.

In Nihon, royalty was distinguished by layers and layers of colored silks and other fine fabrics but it wasn't so in other places, he was learning, and Fai surely could have passed for royalty no matter what he wore. Kurogane wanted to think it was more in the way the blonde carried himself than anything, but the truth was that he was probably considered very beautiful in 99.9 percent of all existing societies. Clothing designers probably considered it to be an honor just to clothe someone like him.

"Does Kuro-pon want anything special?" Fai asked, standing before him after he'd finished in the small shop. "I think some of Miss. Hokuto's designs would look nice on Big Doggie." he added, bending down to Kurogane's level.

Instead of addressing the question, Kurogane took a moment to look Fai straight in the eyes, ignoring the slight twitch of his own. "If you ever call me that name after we leave this world, I will cut that tongue of yours right out of your mouth." he threatened, lowly.

"That would be very unfortunate." Fai returned, matching Kurogane's volume level. "My tongue is the most talented muscle I have."

Kurogane's face turned beet red and Fai laughed loudly as he swept past the ninja and out the door before he could explode.

-oo-

Fai spent most of the day leading Kurogane around from one shop to another, the silence between them filled mostly by his own directionless babbling. It wouldn't do to ask direct questions, because then Kurogane might ask them in return. Kurogane was dangerous to Fai; a dangerous person to grow close to, or understand, or sympathize with. He never forgot that Kurogane was the good guy in their scenario, while he was the bad guy.

Nevertheless, in spite of the danger, or perhaps because of it, Fai found himself drawn to the brooding warrior; sometimes by jealously but more often than not by the aura around the man. Kurogane was undoubtedly someone who might have saved him, who had both the strength of will and the power necessary to save him even from himself and the part of Fai that still yearned for that salvation warred with the part of him that sought out his own continual punishment for the death of his brother.

Whenever these thoughts began to overwhelm him, Fai looked for the nearest distraction. Today, it was a quaint little antique shop they were passing on their way back to the café so that Fai could relieve Syaoran to spend the rest of his day relaxing.

As suddenly as he could, Fai grabbed the material of Kurogane's sleeve, tugging hard enough to stop the man.

"Let's stop in here."

Kurogane rolled his eyes but nodded toward the door in consent anyway and Fai pretended to be very happy about it as he went ahead and pushed the door open.

The shop inside was dimly lit, casting pale light over the items inside; large oaken bookcases filled with hardbound novels, rocking chairs, and a crimson cushioned chaise lounge. A nearby checkout counter was unmanned; the entire space silent save for the rhythmic tic of a lone grandfather clock, its pendulum swinging back and forth in time next to the counter.

Fai slowed. Generally, he might have called out to announce himself, but something about the stagnant air kept him silent as he made his way carefully forward. Even the sound of Kurogane's footfalls behind him seemed faded here.

Fai wandered deeper into the shop, following the paths laid out by furniture and display cases featuring glass figurines and porcelain dolls. He was aware of loosing Kurogane at one point, as he stopped to stare at something behind him and Fai rounded a corner without him.

He nearly passed by an open side room but an uncovered window, bathing the room in yellowed light drew him in.

Below the window, Fai's gaze fell to a piano, half-covered by a tarp. A small pale hand took his own in memory, holding it over the keys of a similar instrument. As children, he and Fai had taken turns going to piano lessons but he hadn't been able to learn as fast as Fai had so he had been forced to stop going. Fai had loved playing the piano. After lessons, he would come back to him and play just for him, sometimes showing him how to help so that they could play together.

In Celas, too, there had been a piano, though he had never heard it played. Ashura had found he'd cried himself to sleep next to it one night as a child and it had only been due to his own pleading that it had remained there until the day he'd left.

They were painful memories, in a way, but they were also the happiest memories Fai had of his childhood in Valeria. It was only painful because they were so far from him, unreachable through the years that kept piling up and up to separate him from them.

Fai reached out, bringing his hand down to rest on the lightly dusted surface of the piano.

"Can you play it?"

Fai was actually so startled by Kurogane's voice that he gasped, his heart skipping a beat in his chest and laughed to cover the lump that had formed in his throat.

"Not a single note." he joked, and just to prove it, plunked a random key, the loud sound breaking the stillness of the shop.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone was here."

Both turned to find an old woman standing in the doorway just behind Kurogane.

"Is there anything I can do for you boys?"

"No thank you." Fai replied, smiling down at her. "We were only looking."

-oOo-

They went back to the café and finished out the day in what was too quickly becoming routine. Kurogane was beginning to realize that this whole "finding the feather" business could involve a lot of waiting. Waiting had never been something he excelled at. He wondered if that was because he'd always been doing the waiting alone. After all, he had completely wasted the entire morning and hadn't even noticed it was gone until he thought about it.

A tiny clink from the main room caught Kurogane's attention and he turned that way in bed. He wouldn't have normally gone to bed so early but Fai had insisted that Syaoran get plenty of sleep so that he would be fresh for training in the morning. Everyone else had gone to bed so Kurogane began to wonder what one of them was doing up.

After a moment of silence, he stood, deciding to see for himself.

-oo-

Kurogane, like Fai, had taken a room on the first floor; the bedroom closest to the staircase should the demons attack through the second floor where Sakura and Syaoran had taken rooms. Fundamentally, he didn't like the group being split between floors but there were only two rooms downstairs.

Opening his bedroom door, Kurogane had a good view of the café and, sitting at one of the tables in front of a bottle of amber-colored liquor, was Fai, lit by a single overhead light above the table he had chosen, a half glass of the drink in hand.

Fai lifted the drink to his lips and swallowed a good deal of it.

Kurogane closed his bedroom door, letting the sound announce his presence to the other and Fai turned a little, not enough to see him, though, and lifted his glass.

"You'll have to get your own glass."

Kurogane went behind the counter for a glass and took it to the table, taking up the bottle of liquor as he passed the blonde and pouring from the open bottle as he took the seat across from him.

For a time they drank together in silence until the bottle was empty and one of them had to either speak or go and find another one.

"Is it because of that music thing?" Kurogane asked, finally breaking the silence. "Is that why you're out here drinking in the middle of the night?"

The small smile that Fai had worn all the while they drank curled up into a grin. "Nyaa? Is Big Doggie concerned about me? Nyaa! That's so cute!" Fai cried, flinging himself from his chair and twirling around, bounding over to the counter, completely ignoring the dark frown that was burning into his back as he went.

Kurogane didn't know why he had bothered. He had obviously been stupid to think that he could treat the idiot like a normal person.

Fai hopped onto the counter, stretching himself over it until he nearly slipped off the back and came back up with a second bottle.

"Meow!" Fai exclaimed, lifting his prize up over his head in triumph.

When he brought it back to the table, Kurogane tore it away from him irritably. "If you don't want to talk that's fine!" he growled, tearing the wrapping off the neck of the bottle and yanking the cork out. "Just fucking say so. You don't need to act stupid."

That said, he tipped the bottle up and chugged the first drink sans his glass.

When Fai reached for the bottle, stretching himself languidly across the table, he was much gentler in taking it back. His eyes met Kurogane's as he pulled it away and Kurogane could feel the fire of his anger slowly dying in the liquid blue of his eyes. He had never been calmed so easily.

"Meow." Fai whispered and Kurogane hadn't known he had been closing the distance between them until he'd felt the breath of Fai's speaking on his lips, warm and smelling of the alcohol he'd been drinking and then Fai's lips were on his own, moving like satin against his.

Kurogane's eyes closed to the feeling, losing himself in it. The movement of Fai's lips drew his to move against them. It was slow, soft, surreal, and Kurogane found his hand fisting itself gently in Fai's hair of its own accord. When he felt the tip of Fai's tongue slide against his bottom lip, Kurogane parted his lips. Fai's tongue slipped into his mouth and Kurogane stroked it with his own.

Fai tilted his head a bit more, deepening the kiss until a low moan broke the atmosphere between them, which Kurogane only registered by the stilling of Fai's mouth against his. Kurogane wasn't sure where the sound had come from at first, but judging by the vibration in his throat he was afraid it might have been him. Still, Fai was slow in pulling back, his tongue slipping from Kurogane's mouth slowly enough to let him memorize the feel of it as it went.

Everything came back into focus as he pulled away and Kurogane felt the heat rise to his face.

"Nyaa. Too much of this." Fai said, smiling amicably at Kurogane as he brought the bottle still in his hand to the table between them.

Kurogane had nothing to say.

"I think I'll go to bed now while I can still cross the room on my feet." Fai continued. "Goodnight, Kuro-pon."

He didn't wait for a reply as he turned and made his way to the aforementioned room.

Kurogane's gaze followed him every step until he disappeared inside and the door closed behind him and then stayed there, staring at the empty space for some time after.

-oOo-

Fai figured that Kurogane would get up at the normal time so the next morning, he woke Syaoran, Mokona, and Sakura up early to help him with breakfast. He didn't know why he had _done that_. What had been going on in his head? What had been running through Kurogane's head? He could only hope the answer to both questions was the same: nothing. He didn't remember a thing of it, he told himself when he heard Kurogane's door open.

"Good morning, Kurogane-san."

_Thank you, Syaoran._ Fai thought to himself, glad the teen had spoken first but Kurogane ignored the greeting, and Fai found him staring. _Please leave it._ Fai begged silently, turning back to the plates he was fixing. He desperately _needed_ things to go back to normal. Teasing was fine, teasing was safe but no matter how he had tried, Fai couldn't convince himself that the huge, thick, black line he had pranced across like it had been nothing more than a pretty ribbon, stretched around him for his own amusement had been teasing.

"Big Doggie is up late today!" Mokona cried, bouncing onto Kurogane's head to wave about as it talked.

"Get off me!" Kurogane grumbled, shooing the creature. "It's the same as always. _You're_ up early."

Fai forced a laugh as he brought Kurogane his plate. "Kuro-rin was up late getting drunk."

_"Without me!"_ Mokona wailed, turning back to Kurogane. "Mean! Mean!" it protested and Fai's chuckle was a little more genuine this time.

"I'm sure you'll catch him next time." Fai consoled.

"Drinking alone is just rude." Mokona huffed, turning away again to the plate of food Fai was bringing.

Fai's smile remained stubbornly in place.

After everyone else had their plates, Fai took his own and sat next to Sakura to eat.

"Sakura-chan, let's make lemon chiffon cake today." Fai suggested, making conversation.

Sakura turned to him with bright eyes. "That sounds wonderful!" she exclaimed.

"Then maybe we'll go to the store." Fai replied. "I don't think we have any fresh lemons left. I don't have a recipe for lemon chiffon cake either so we'll just have to experiment. Would Sakura-chan like to make the first one on her own? We can use that for our base and maybe we'll even find something delicious by luck."

Fai chuckled and Sakura blushed. "But what if it doesn't turn out?" she asked self-consciously.

Fai's smile was easy and reassuring. "Don't worry, I'll taste-test if for you. I have a very sensitive palate so I'm pretty good at adjusting recipes."

"Don't overwork that _talented muscle_ of yours now." Kurogane said, just a hint of sarcasm behind his dry tone.

Two seats down, Fai choked on the bite of egg he'd been trying to swallow and doubled over coughing while Sakura worriedly patted his back.

Kurogane smirked to himself. Fai could forget it if he wanted. He'd let it go. But that didn't mean he wasn't going to take a little payback. Fai deserved it for being such a slippery bastard.

Fai reached for his orange juice, drinking it down after he'd finally managed to swallow his breakfast properly. He supposed he deserved that. Sakura was making soothing circles across his back now, Mokona patting his hand, and Fai smiled his thanks to them then he turned his attention down the row and over their heads.

"Kuro-tan is making fun of my sensitive tongue!" he whined and to his delight, Kurogane's face reddened as he turned to shout back.

"Who cares about your stupid tongue!"

Not even Syaoran could help snickering.

Fai's grin widened as he stole a glance at Kurogane, trying to wolf down his breakfast in an attempt to distract himself. Things could go back to normal now. Fai was relieved, but for just a moment, he remembered the feeling of Kurogane's mouth moving against his own and even the memory of it took him to a place where all of the horrors of his life seemed far away.

Kurogane had given him something; a tiny glimpse of the happiness he secretly wished for. For just a moment, Kurogane had taken him away; whether it had been his intention to do so or not.

Fai's smile softened as he took in the others around him; Syaoran and Sakura talking about lemon cakes and Mokona chiming in with praise for Sakura's quick learning. He didn't want to think of them in terms of what their futures may hold; he only wanted to see the expressions they were showing now - and to have that himself for as long as he could…_happiness_.

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Post whatevers: As always, if you liked, please review. Ja!


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